So my attempt at saving any substantial amount of money from this paycheck has been radically unsuccessful. For a minute I almost thought I’d be able to put away at least $100, but low and behold, the weekend rolled in and brought with it the opportunity for dancing, drinks, and the irresistible urge to throw away money with complete frivolity. It’s Tuesday now, next paycheck doesn’t come in until Friday, I have no food, only 16 cigarettes, and 3 days to struggle through.
I really wasn’t intending on having an intense partying weekend, but my Friday night was slightly traumatizing, so Saturday I did my absolute best to forget it. Friday, I ended up soberly sleeping with the creepy yoga teacher when I went to get my bracelet back from him. Felt like shit after, and I’m realizing even more about my issues with men. For some reason I really can’t allow myself to say no. Not that he forced himself on me at all, and I did enjoy myself during, but as I made my way over there with a clear head, I told myself that under no circumstance was I going to sleep with him. I’m constantly breaking promises to myself when it comes to sex, and I’m going to try harder not to give my power away to men so easily. They should have to work a bit to get it, right? As soon as it was over I felt tears coming on, and all I could think of was the fact that I was lying next to the wrong man. I knew that the connection just wasn’t there like it was with my heat wave lover. I miss that intense, magical connection, and I really don’t want to settle for anything less. You can’t force that kind of thing. It’s either there, or it’s not. I made an excuse and left right away, and cried all the way home.
My careless weekend ways didn’t only affect my financial circumstances, but also my family relationships. I was meant to help my sister move into her new apartment Sunday afternoon, but as I didn’t go to sleep until 11 AM that morning, I slept through it. Needless to say, she wasn’t thrilled. Especially since I bailed on brunch last weekend with her and my mom for the same reason.
I need to start taking this a bit more seriously, and somehow resist the urge to go out and party whenever I have the chance. If I continue on at this rate, I won’t even be able to make rent, let alone travel the world. I think if I start researching places to go, and weird, wonderful things to do in odd places, I might find some more motivation. Any and all ideas are welcome.
“It is the beginning of that magic vibration that carries the lovers from the world of weights and measures into the world of dreams and revelations.”
-Kahlil Gibran
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